Social Media Whoreder

Some people hoard clothes, newspaper clippings, sentimental items…their own feces. I hoard social media. Someone as (currently) unimportant as myself should not have so many sites. I doubt Instagrammers want to see my lunch of left over PB&J from my son. I have two Twitter accounts, both of them plan on suing me for neglect. I even have Snap Chat which, to me, seems a huge waste of time unless I’m sending nudies to someone. Plus I have no idea how to use it so I think that makes me like, 80 years old.

One of my Pinterest boards is aptly named “Reasons I Didn’t Want Pinterest” because, let’s face it, are you really going to make placenta pendants or smoothies or any other stupid shit you see on there? My LinkedIn site is important because I’m professional and shit. My Tumblr blog is important because I’m deep and shit. Facebook is really the only site that gets some love even though, much like a toddler, it has a privacy problem (can’t I shit in peace?!).

So, in order to feed my family stoke my ego, links are on all of the places I can ignore you on accident. Please like, follow, love, masturbate to any one of these. Some are linked together and some are floating out in the nebulous of the interwebs.

Ok, I’m done with the social media masturbations. I’ll shut up now.

Shit! Who the hell am I kidding!